I get it you want me out because I am of no use to you anymore Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. I just need to decide. Its not worth it. You told me you did not have your car because your brother needed it for work and could not rent a car because you had no credit card. He has drained it! Til death do us part. It took me quite some time catching up on reading all of the comments. He left me after several years of a push/pull, secretly planning to end it for a long time, but misleading me. 3. Leverage: "There must be a meaningful consequence to bring the narcissist into therapy, like the fear of losing a loved one who has 'had it,' the threat of losing their job, or their status." 2. In the mean time, I date other men on a non-sexual basis but for some reason, my heart is drawn to my NPD friend. Now that part I dont understand. In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. I made clinical decisions about consequences and my role became the enforcer of boundaries. When we mix lies with the truth, when we turn friends and family against our beloved, there is nothing left. Its pathetic and he totally blinds everyone what a user he is. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. His favorite statement is, No one listens to me. I dont see any additional archives. I actually separated from him once for a few months prior to the breakup for the same reasons constant verbal abuse and emotional manipulation Prince charming until any type of insecurity would arise. Despite the difficulties of this life, I love my husband and do not want to leave him. Id like to thank you for your work. What he said was I love you but I cant live with you. But i didnt immediately saw that it were fantasy. If you respect yourself enough to stand up for your own interests this will earn others respect too. Carry in a recliner with me after I asked you to please help me because it was outside and it was about to rain and you refusing, while sitting on the bed eating pizza. I looked on the ph billhe talked with her for 6 min on that horrible day he was having, he never said excuse me Ill have to get back to you, Im busy, nope he chitty chatted and dumped on me. I am 38 years old (never married, but have 1 child) and in love with a man for the past 4 years. He returned to the USA and after two years and 3 visits, I accepted his proposal. When getting orders for your second deployment you told me that you didnt feel it would be ok for you to pay for your part of the car payment if you were not going to drive it. When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. hi Kim I just read Back from the looking glass, I cannot wait to get a plan going and start this long journey. It should be stressed however that this . I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. He owes me large amounts of money, takes me to court to harass me and only takes notice of police and bailiffs. When I noticed them missing and asked you, you lied at first and then came to me later to tell me what you did. When you have someone who repeatedly lies to you, who frequently doesn't care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, who cheats on youthis is where we have to come in and make them accountable because they're not going to do it on their own. But, we cant lose the business either. "I definitely attribute some of my anxiety to this. Mine treated me like a queen for 6 months. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. I know that I need to be patient and quiet.. Sounds great, but if all others enable, they do not bear the consequencesany wisdom on how to get his family/my family to stop enabling him so I am not assaulted again? I dont want my children to marry a person like him. Hi Shannon and welcome here and in my short ebooks I hope you find the help you need (-: Please, What does your comment is awaiting moderation mean? I think its a positive sign that yours hasnt latched onto someone else. He has not moved onto another relationship, though I suspect he uses porn as comfort. Lived 25 years with verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. But I still miss him so am venerable and just hope I get stronger. I was her middle manager boss guess who had to prove they were innocent because I was perceived to be in the superior or more powerful position while being the least threatening . But I wasnt trusting his intentions. Its not easy, but that is how the trust grows. And for the past year+ I have asked him repeatedly to tell me what made him so angrywhat can I do to make it upcant we work at thisand he has yet to tell meInstead, said hes never coming back, could never work, wont see me and talk face to face, and now fading away again (no calls no texts). Do these people actually know what they are doing? Being stern long term will probably only result in you damaging your attachment. I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. Whats the answer? I feel guilty as hell for my behavior deteriorating also. When someone is being selfish and KNOWS theyre being selfish or not accountable for bad behavior, I really want them to understand how mean and hurtful theyre being, and how theyre creating fallacies merely to rationalize it to escape blame. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. I actually tried some of the things you noted here, but there was absolutely no reasoning with him. I have been doing when you suggested here. 7 Be leery of future love bombing. I have only learned that I must accept being crucified, and still have the opportunity to live forward. And also there might be a difference in willingness to open up. I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. Have we had good times? As a Catholic priest advised me: Some people are just not capable of fulfilling the roles required of a marriage partner, i.e. Is it worth making then accountable for that? They avoid spending time with you, especially in public. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. Why are you afraid to respect yourself and not allow someone to cross your boundaries even once! I didnt say a word. Im here to look for tools, connect with people with common problems, AND offer my unique story as well. After over 9 years it has got worse. I am still married and my husband and i are now really good friends so that had a happy ending. For partners of the Narcissist, it is important to improve setting boundaries and holding the Narcissist accountable for their behaviour. HOLD them accountable in the safest way possible for you. Do I just let go of this since it is the past? If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. You need firm boundaries that are real and you need a new repertoire of comeback lines that end non productive conversations before they even begin. (exhausted). I dont recommend this to anyone, but as his abuses escalated over a long period of time and never decreased, in addition to other factors, I very carefully planned and executed the plan to leave and divorce him so I could survive. He had created chaos there as well and when it all finally came crashing down on him I was ready to take him in and protect him. He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. Its no suprise they hide from their toxic shame. 17) You accused me time and time again of cheating on you. This is why we highlight the need for action. Most of our communication has been through texts but Ive completely removed the emotion and now I have him helping me with my graphic design for my business and there he shall remain. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. Thanks for all you do Kim! I too hope you take a path that is filled with more happiness for you. I was taught at a young age to be a caretaker my grandmother choose me since I had patience. I offered for you to drive the new one but you said no its ok, I drive the old one. I still get called swear names you are a selfish bitch !!! Do I love him the answer will always be yes. What do I do about the kids? thanks!! I know he loves me , but somehow, he loves his pleasure and freedom more. . If you want to hold a narcissist accountable, you need to challenge the deception. He is becoming more unreasonable. I can now have an evening in and not feel insecure because Im learning who I am and strangely with his silencing since our last split Ive realised I need to find me. Financially Im in a bad place as I quit my job a few months ago and now make jewelry but Im broke. And since the consequences were triggered by events, there was no means for understanding through close communication. He denies that he has a problem. He became the most loving partner in life and we got married. Someone mentioned DBTand thought that would help mebut finding the right connection/therapist is very hard for me. I only realized what narcissism is about when my current boyfriend told me he was a narcissist , I didnt get it at first. I have the same questions as TANYA and also wonder where to start, do i say I love you and forgive you and just start? Stay away from anyone who will judge and criticize. Everyone makes choices, let them be formed by their consequences. I definitely felt stronger and more in control of my own feelings and responses to the verbal and emotional abuses. I have found dbt [dialectical behavioural therapy] to be very effective for ME learning to accept reality and deal with it effectively I have REFUSED to take the blame for his outbursts and now he knows that i really mean it, I have actually got several apologies that is progress indeed! We have not had a fight or argument for over 6 weeks! Especially the magic scissors and self-soothing are very powerful skills. How to Hold a Narcissist Accountable One of the most frustrating things about living, loving or working with a person with the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be their lack of accountability. The narcissist should be held accountable to most of his actions, even taking into account his sometimes uncontrollable rage and the backdrop of his grandiose fantasies. Working with a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating victims of abuse is important. My learned behaviour has been over many decades so will take time but recognise also that incremental change is sustainable, so am comforted by this. Im doing it with my friend of five years. Kim, do you think your husband had to do something similar when he learned how to be more accountable? And yet she believes there is nothing wrong with her and still blames me for causing her behaviour. If I dont look at him in his eyes he says it is rude. It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. There is something in all of the above in my husband.Actually lots! You Hold Them Accountable. Hi, My logical, intelligent brain struggles with this, no matter how much my heart is drawn to him. Do Narcissists Like To Be Held Accountable? I have survived and will be fine, regardless if he gets better or not! Surprise him to a treat and see how he responds, put some spice into your lives, take the initiative and action to turn the relationship around. All I can add at this point in the blog is that I encourage everyone to get Kim & Steves ebooks and other materials. I worked with a woman who had NPD. 12 Amber Lives in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK Author has 78 answers and 30.8K answer views 2 y Related Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? But really, I am just angry and hurt. Others opinions of me do not matter or define who I am and what I am. Guess that is what still hurts him most. 3. Thank you Ann and Marie. The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. Hi Lisa, Hang in there! Typical forms of narcissistic supply include sex, power, control, one-sided relationships with no accountability, compliments, subservience, obedience, admiration, and other requirements unique. Leopards never change their spots, they just get darker and he is up to all his old tricks and then some. I am divorced from them, but one has since passed away. 23.9K subscribers Subscribe 10 Share 80 views 1. It went from serious concern about his behaviors to the police belittling my call for help (we are not here to solve your relationship problems) and the mental health services deciding Im disturbed and needed to be put in hospital against my will to give me a break from my husband. He is never wrong and will tell you so. He argued beyond belief, way past any reasonable amount of time to state a point. Sure they will probably still get angry when you use these kind of scripts, so you will need to play this carefully and use your own judgement. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. Do what you can do and stop worrying about the rest, above all stop blaming yourself ! 4) During deployment you asked me if I would be OK with your parents moving in with us because they were going to loose their house. I understand why women with children with the narcissist stay with the NPD because of the children hoping things will change and get better, they have committed to marraige and family. I told him that since he wouldnt go for help, he had to leave. It is good you can see you need some help too (-: Our 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a great place to start! I hope someone might read this and be more careful about their childrens safety and will not go through the agony I have. The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. I will be fine. When your second daughters birthday came, keeping in mind again she is 9, a week later, I asked you if you bought her something. Partners were not there to be scapgoats. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. You did nothing to help in the process and blamed me because the house had to be in my name, since your credit was bad. (4) he lied to me every day, hides stuff and he verbally attacks me telling me what a liar, I am, how I lie lie lie lieWhen he is the only liar. She told me when I was in high school that she picked me to take care of all the family members. If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. Try giving him the sort attention you crave. Of course that is not going to work and is not really a boundary at all. You may need to do some detective work on this and bring that out into the open. And I am practicing to manage my own defence. Thanks you! I am always at fault. Any hope of that happening? Thoughts anyone? He rejects Jesus and has become like a god himself with supporters who validate him. Finally understanding that my relationship with my mother was actually a relationship with a narcissist was the key to the rest of my life. and after everything they do we still crying for them?- there must be some personality traits that mirror ours. You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. Right this second I am so angry more angry probobly than ever in my life at him over what appears to be infidelity and porn and him always blaming others for what he does wrong.. How much can a person swallow and stroke anothers ego before it is just too much! If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. He does not know how to be himself as a child so when he has questions and here is the hard part for me to remember, he really doesnt know beyond the child age he is.