I have never had it used against me as an ableist term, but I will use a different word in the future. Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. We all had too much to drink and passed out at Dan's house!" On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. It always makes me a little uncomfortable, because Im not used to grocery store cashiers asking me how I am. I may need some babysitting Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. I love organizing events and I confess to having asked that annoying question several times, mostly in order to know if a particular friend I would love to invite is available on that date. Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. Good luck! One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. Later the grad students said the table turned to remarking on the professor as soon as she was out of earshot, including their surprise that she could be a professor of engineering. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. For an acquaintance, depends. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! Yep, my wife and I too. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THIS VIDEO. Ive realized its very important for us. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. Me: Nope. Eating. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. 18. (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) What is your favourite clip? Do I think X is a fair thing to insist upon? I used to feel guilty about that until I framed it in my mind that its disingenuous to ask about my weekend as entrapment instead of asking me an honest question. Im trying to train her out of the habit. Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! A little of this, a little of that. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. This says "I'm doing well.". I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. Well, now I know? You can be annoyed by a wide variety of people forever. How about you? But why would you feel entitled to her time to help with party favors for a party youre throwing? I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. You're supposed to live it and enjoy it. To be honest, not good. What are you doing for dinner? In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). Tucker makes the case that there is a war against Christians happening in America on 'Tucker Carlson Tonight:' TUCKER CARLSON: You always imagine in your mind's eye that it's evil men who destroy . I shall think on why. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? Situation #4: You have to say "no.". All five are initial questions, appropriate for a relatively fast . They see how often constantly males can throw a tantrum about how theyre being bitches, where the males only complaint is, I asked her questions, and she refused to answer! That alone is enough for him to feel justified in escalating the threats, anger, violence. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. 3. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. This one calls for what I call the Gladys response, because I saw it articulated by a woman named Gladys. E- Excitement. Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. 2. Me: Nope. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. I used to preemptively dodge any potential would you like to / can you do X follow-ups by making vague allusions to being busy upfront (PASSIVE), and then Id weakly paw away their insisting that I can/should be able to do it because THEY think I have the time to. I love so hard your example in #3. Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. You wonder where he'll take you. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. Even if its only logistically. Its a little startling to hear something super serious like life is really dark so that would be a surprise here as well. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. Yep yep yep. "Hi" or "Hello". Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! . That stuff just wears on people. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. I was usually planning board game evenings and role playing games and I only tried to ask people whom I knew to be interested in what I was planning. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). Or they may feel social pressure to make conversation in the moment, and dont have any other topic at hand. It always made me think I looked tired or upset or maybe there was something wrong with my hair, because its the sort of thing I would only ask a friend/acquaintance/student if it seemed like they were distressed. Example: What are you doing? I still have the same question of why do this? In fact this letter reminds me a lot of a lady I knew once who moved to the US from a different english-speaking country and took offense to people asking her where she was from when they heard her accent. So I said, Dont do this. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Or only if you consider it important? I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. It happens every time I get him as a teller. There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. Funny Bumble Answers #3: Rebel Without A Cause This answer is funny because it paints a picture in the woman's mind of a rebel, even in his youth. But I dont ask them where theyre from, because its really none of my business; there are other kinds of small talk to make. This business of hanging on to parental authority as a form of rent, however, has already damaged your relationship, from what youre saying. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. On the other hand, that was a while ago. 3. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Theres also nothing wrong with the sitting alone in the dark rocking back and forth, it just seemed a good description of the void my mother thinks no plans equals. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. I really like this point! Dont do that to a friend. Nanani, that is absolutely true. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. And then you get people who let it go there and people who keep fishing (where are your parents from? etc etc because they think its impolite to ask WHAT are you, but they really really want to know, so they know what stereotypes to assign you, as you said, or even because theyre just curious, like youre an object). Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? A: Thanks, you too. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. I think it depends a lot on context. Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. How are you? Give small truths. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. 1. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. If you have plans, just say so. (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. Im glad for the above scripts! Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. Busy busy busy! Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. I find myself physically unable of disturbing her. I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation. The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. Im well aware of that risk. There are a couple of questions my Mother asks that trigger a Pavlovian eye-roll from me because I know they are invariably followed by a request for a favor, to the point where if someone else asks me the same question in a totally innocuous way, I still react to it. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. If the answer is miserable but I dont want to get into it right now, fine-thanks still works. I agree!! I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. Im from here. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. All of these. (via Shutterstock) 7. No, just running some errands. This is my reaction. ), its pure formula. BLah, I realized I didnt finish the thought, I suppose that before I started responding that way they thought I was sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark.. Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). Me? Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. Theres an element of contempt to it, that this is what you would be doing with your time. In my experience, soft invitations are never meant. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. Shes asked like this a few times. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? Its just one of the normal options. Your kids are loud. Try to be kind and positive in your response. Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? She had already asked him. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. How are you? Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). I hear you. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. Great, Thanks for Asking. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? It sounds to me like an attempt to take away my ability to say no. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. Just looking for my phonehave you seen it? For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US.